Lighting A Candle
by SaveTheWorldGetTheGirl
Summary: ***THIS IS INCREDIBLY SPOILERIFIC SO DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE SPOILERS (10/17TH) YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!*** Basically a fic based on and after 'The Kick Inside' etc. JANNY JANNY JANNY! Hope you enjoy it! I really really appreciate reviews on here/twitter @HannahOfBrannah xx


**Heyy guyzz! Thought I'd do a SPOILER related fic because I had this idea and I am stuck with my other one. Is it weird that I made myself cry? I think so. I have read through it again but the majority of this was written at 3:00am so sorry if there's mistakes! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Sorry that's quite long, I was going to split it up but then I couldn't decide the chapters. Please review :) xx**

_"Welcome, to your anomaly scan."  
[...] "What?"  
"Bear with me."  
"What have you seen?"  
"Can you just lie back, and let me do my job, please?"  
"He answered back. It must be serious."  
"I need to speak to some colleagues."  
"Well can you not just tell me what you think first?"  
"In my opinion, it looks like a diaphragmatic hernia."_

* * *

"So... Jac, what did Mr T say at the scan?"  
"Nothing much. Suction."  
"So, boy or a girl? Have you told Jonny yet?"  
"Miss Effanga does this patient have your full attention or not?"  
"I can multitask. So come on, is my godchild a boy or a girl?"  
"You know what, just take this. I can't deal with this right now." She handed over her surgical equipment and was pulling off her gown as she ran from theatre. Mo looked bemused but quickly took over from Jac. Jac stood over the sink taking in deep breathes; Mo wouldn't be done for a while so she was safe from her questions for now. She hit the sink hard with the palm of her hand. "Why? Why did you do that Jac? Why are you letting it get to you? You didn't want this." She thought to herself although, deep inside her ice queen body, she knew this was a lie. As the pain from hitting her hand sank in, she winced and pushed herself away from the sink, at the same time as pushing her baby as far away from her mind as she could.

"Ms Naylor?" Jonny had found her sitting in the darkness of her office. She had been sat in there for about half an hour, in which time she had decided to tell Jonny about the scan as she had become increasingly more guilt-ridden thinking about what she knew and what he didn't. She had paged him because she couldn't quite face the ward again yet; she still found herself shaking with emotion but she did her best to keep it under control in front of him.  
"Jonny, we... I need to talk to you."  
"I'm a wee busy right now. I'm just getting ready to go into theatre with Professor Hope." He was being very short with her and it was no wonder the way she had treated him that morning. He wasn't impressed that he hadn't been invited along to the scan and to be honest, Jac was now realising the consequences.  
"Jonny it's important." She was being typically Jac Naylorish about it; there was nothing different in her tone except she was quieter when she referenced the baby. "It's about the baby."  
"I've got five minutes. What did he say at the scan?" He sounded bitter but it was no surprise and in fact Jac began to feel more than a little guilty. The slight pause gave him some reason to be concerned. "What is it Jac? What happened at the scan?"  
"I don't know, exactly. He just said there was something wrong and I have to go back later and speak to the consultants."  
"Something wrong? Like very wrong?"  
"He said... he thinks it could be a diaphragmatic hernia."  
"Well, what does that mean?"  
"You know what it means."  
"Well... what... what are our options? What's going to happen?" The shock in his voice was apparent.  
"There's a meeting later today. Thompson needed to see his colleagues, ask for their opinions."  
"What time is the meeting?"  
"It's at four."  
"You're going to let me come this time then?" Jac didn't answer, but instead looked further down; she was now avoiding his gaze. "Right, I'll see you at four then." He didn't even glance back at her as he pulled open her office door and left the darkened room.

There were three consultants in the room; two of them, males, sat opposite Jac but there was a very large gap in between them as the chairs and tables were set out in a large circle. Jonny had arrived five minutes late and also sat apart from Jac, who tried to catch his gaze but failed, and so she looked away, with a hurt expression that no one else could see. She did deserve it though, he should have been at the scan, and this was all she kept thinking before her gynaecologist spoke.  
"Before we start properly, I didn't get the chance to tell you at the scan that you're having a girl." Mr Thompson knew that the parents had both asked to know the sex of the baby and thought that with the bad news he was giving them; they at least deserved a moment of happiness before they were struck with it.  
"A girl?" Jac looked over at Jonny as he said this; his mouth remaining open after the words tumbled out in a breath. He saw her out of the corner of his eye and for a second, it looked as though she was smiling. He closed his mouth finally and almost grinned, but the chance was missed as Mr Thompson resumed talking.  
"Unfortunately though it's as we suspected I'm afraid. It's definitely a diaphragmatic hernia."  
"So what's next?" The now straight-faced Ms Naylor asked almost casually; the lack of emotion in her voice and face made Jonny's stomach churn as he couldn't believe how fast her emotions had switched and how now, she seemed to care very little about their daughter. He looked away from her and put his head down; understandably he was angry but his anger was mixed with sadness and his eyes had become blurry with tears of frustration.  
"There's a fifty-fifty chance of your baby's survival if you choose to go full term. Of course we will have to go with a c-section but we were going to do that anyway. After the baby's born, we'll do everything we can."  
"The other option, although you might not want to hear it, is of course a termination." The other consultant finally spoke up. "Well, you'll need the time to think about it and... talk to each other..." as he said the last bit he looked a little doubtful as there was a full three seats separating the parents and neither of them had looked at the other, let alone spoken. "Just make an appointment so we can discuss whatever you choose to do." It was at this point Jac decided that the meeting was over. She pushed her chair back over the carpet and she stood from it before leaving, without a second glance at anyone in the room.

"Jac, we _need_ to talk about this. You can't just walk away from me." Jonny had caught up with her after the meeting had ended properly.  
"I don't _need_ to do anything." She was continuing to avoid his gaze and unknowingly making him even angrier. "I've got a couple of patients I need to see before I go into theatre."  
"You can get Elliot to cover for you... or Mo, even. This is important Jac; we need to talk about this." Without thinking he reached out for her arm and pulled her round so she was face to face with him, although both of them were still not looking the other in the eye.  
"I am not talking about this now Jonny. Let go of me." The grip on her arm loosened and she pulled her skinny wrist away from him. She spun back around and sped off down the corridor, leaving him rooted to the spot, running his hands through his curly hair.

Jac was mindlessly going through the checks with a patient, her mind understandably on other things. The ward was quiet and she was grateful for that; anything more would just add to her stress levels and if she was honest with herself, the cherry on top would probably cause her to lose her cool. By a cruel twist of fate, it was this moment that Jonny decided to storm on to the ward, the lines of his face contorting with anger; Mo watched him rush into the locker room from the nurses' station and was just about to go in when she felt a hand on her arm.  
"I've got this Mo." The banging coming from inside worried her a little; but this was her mess and so she pushed open the door quietly.  
"Jonny? You're going to hurt yourself, stop it!" she shouted this over the noise he was making by repeatedly punching her locker. He suddenly stopped and turned to face her; this time they were both eye to eye, looking directly at each other's emotional giveaways.  
"What do you even care? You sat in there and asked them questions without even the blink of and eyelid! You emotionless cow!" She didn't have anything to say and even if she did she wouldn't have been able to say it because as the words erupted from his mouth she felt her heart just shatter into a million pieces as they struck her. She lifted her hand to her mouth to stifle a cross between a gasp and a rib-wracking sob. Her extreme change in expression left Jonny confused for a moment before his overwhelming sense to comfort her took over.  
"I'm sorry; I am so so sorry Jac. Come here, please?" She willingly collapsed into his arms and let whatever she had inside of her pour out on to his chest. Her heartbreaking cry echoed and bounced off the lockers and was undoubtedly heard by everyone on the other side of the door but it was heard most imposingly by Jonny, who just held her closer to him. Eventually her crying stopped being audible and instead she just sobbed gently, Jonny rubbing her back every time he heard a little hiccough signalling one.

Soon she even tired of sobbing and he managed to guide her to the hard benches of the locker room. He had no idea how long they had been stood up in there as time had seemed to ignore their private world. People avoided the room like the plague; many who wanted to go home because their shift had ended were waiting patiently at the nurses' station or had gone without their belongings as they had not wanted to disturb the two who sat down now, still holding on to each other for dear life. He didn't want to say anything to her just yet as he was worried about the state she was in but she was sensing the need that he had to talk to her; he needed to tell her what he felt and she needed to tell him because they were going through the same thing and so they were the only person the other had.  
"I'd actually bought a pram." It was the simplest of statements but she couldn't think of anything else to say; anything else would have been too painful.  
"You're joking right?" She shook her head, and lifted herself from his chest for a moment to wipe her eyes on the sleeve of her hoody. She looked up at him to find him smiling, confusing her somewhat which could be seen easily in her face so Jonny quickly explained himself. "I got one too. I was going to surprise you. I couldn't afford something new but it's as good as; I beat a couple of others to it."  
"You bought our daughter's pram on eBay?" She raised her eyebrows at him and he actually let out a little laugh.  
"It's pretty much new Jac; I got it delivered last month."  
"Last month?! I only bought mine last week; it was after I found the baby-gro in your locker and I got home and I was online when I came across a website and one thing led to another..."  
"I've been doing that since I found out you were pregnant."  
"I know, you've left them on a couple of times here. I thought you were doing it on purpose to get me interested."  
"You know me so well." He was absent-mindedly stroking her hair. There was another pause and after the little distraction it was time for Jonny to bite the bullet. "Jac?"  
"Mmmhmm?"  
"Whatever you decide to do, I'll support you."  
"What do you think I should do?"  
"I don't want you to do anything just because I want it. You need to feel that whatever you do is right. Of course I want the baby but I don't want you or I to go through the heartbreak of losing her when she's born after going full term."  
"She might not die." It was strange but at the same time natural for them to be calling their baby _her_ and _she_ now as they discussed things.  
"I know, fifty-fifty."  
"I don't want to terminate. I can't do it; if there was even a one percent chance that she would live then I'd take it. I might not be the most maternal person in the world but I have to give her a chance because-"  
"Shh, shh it's okay; Jac, I'm going to be with you every step of the way, alright?" She had begun to cry again at what she found herself saying and so Jonny interrupted her and let her rest her head against his chest again. A while later a nurse knocked on the door surprising both Jac and Jonny who had been sat in a comfortable silence after she had stopped crying again. Jac, looking worn out and frail stood up first, but Jonny was quick to stand beside her and support her with his arm around her waist.  
"Come on, let me take you home." She just nodded and took his hand.

It didn't take them long to get to Jac's flat but it was long enough for Jac to fall asleep in the passenger seat. He watched her for a while after he had parked and he was reminded of all the mornings he gazed at her after she had stayed at his or vice versa; it saddened him a little to think that they weren't together now even though that afternoon had been proof off how much they needed each other. She felt like she needed him more than he needed her though; he was beginning to realise this and so, after he woke her up gently, he said what he had been thinking about for the entire journey.  
"Jac, we're here."  
"What?" She opened her eyes slowly upon hearing her name.  
"You fell asleep." He took her hand and squeezed it gently.  
"Oh." She was subdued and so unlike herself which truly upset Jonny.  
"Jac?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Even if you _can_ handle this alone, I don't want you to have to." She smiled a little and entwined her fingers with his on the hands that they were sharing. "I thought you might not want to be alone tonight."  
"You thought correctly." One side of his mouth upturned into a half smile.  
"I also thought about the spare room I have at my house. You could stay with me; not just for tonight either, it can be for however long you needed."  
"For once Maconie, you have actually had a good idea."

After helping her pack some things into a large sports bag that he had in his car, they set off to his own house. He cooked her dinner but neither of them ate very much and in the end, Jac just wanted to go to bed. The spare room only had a single bed and was decorated with a space theme for when his nephew came to stay; he took one look at Jac as he led her up the stairs and decided that he could take this room and she could have his much more comfortable double bed that they had previously shared. This time though he helped her into the bed as though she were a sick child, before kissing her forehead and leaving her to sleep. He made his way into his room full of planets and stars hopeful of getting some sleep because it had been a tiring day; unfortunately for him his mind had other ideas. He tossed and turned, only ever drifting off into a light sleep. Luckily though this was what made it easier for him to hear her crying in the room next door. He didn't bother putting his trousers back on but pulled the t-shirt lying on the floor over his head and padded quietly along the landing. He didn't knock but pushed the door open slowly so that she would notice before he suddenly appeared in the room.  
"Oh God, I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you up." she tried to wipe away her tears when she saw him but it was too late.  
"It's fine I was awake anyway; why are you crying?" he sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his eyes. She sat with her knees high up against her chest in a typically defensive position.  
"It doesn't matter, I'm just being stupid. You should go back to bed."  
"Not until you tell me what's wrong."  
"I just can't help but think that this is my fault. I mean, what kind of a mother am I going be if I can't even do this bit right?" Tears fell from her green eyes again and landed on the pale blue cover, darkening the surface. He didn't think twice about getting into the bed next to her and putting his big arm around her.  
"Look here, this is not your fault at all okay? You couldn't have caused or predicted this. So you were right, you are just being stupid." He pulled her close for the nth time that night. "And as for what kind of mother you'll be? Jac look at you. Look at how much you care; you're going to be an amazing mum okay? Now stop crying, and look at me." He lifted her chin up and looked directly into her eyes. "This is not your fault and we are going to get through it whatever happens. You got that?" She just nodded and wiped her eyes on his shirt. "Now, you need to sleep."  
"Will you stay in here with me?"  
"If you want me to."  
"I do." She pushed her knees down and lay flat waiting for him to do the same before putting her head on his chest finding comfort in the up and down motion of it along with the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat. He meanwhile stroked her hair whilst listening to her breathing; it slowed down a little and he recognised that this was the sound of her sleeping. He could now shut his eyes and go to sleep himself.

* * *

Their decision to go full term was a surprise for Mr Thompson, but he tried to not to show it as he didn't want to judge. For the next two months, Jac and Jonny spent their lives in happy ignorance. Everyone had now seen how much she cared about this baby and so she was able to express it at work; although when Jonny spoke to her stomach in front of patients she did glare at him until he stopped. But at home was a different matter and ignoring the baby's prognosis was so much easier with him chatting away to their little girl. That was another thing though; Jac still hadn't moved out of Jonny's house and was far from doing so. They had both decided that Jonny's spare room was going to be turned into a nursery and the walls were to be repainted; Jonny had failed to tell Jac until this time that his nephew was now fourteen and didn't appreciate the effort that went into putting the space wallpaper up. It wasn't only the nursery that was a sign that she wasn't going to be leaving Jonny's house any time soon; she had brought most of her belongings to his house on various trips because "what was the point in having them there if she wasn't staying there?" Jonny knew this was her way of telling him that she was in fact moving in with him. It seemed to have been an unspoken agreement that they were in fact, back together. They were acting more like a couple now than they ever did when they were actually officially together, although Jac did complain once again about the bubblegum flavoured toothpaste and in addition to her subtly moving her things in, she changed the toothpaste brand to something someone in their thirties should actually be using.

The fact that they were ignorantly happy meant that they could decide on names. After a hard day at work they had gone to bed; Jonny had never left the double bed after the first night and Jac had never said anything about it.  
"Do you think we should think about names?"  
"Maybe, why what were you thinking?"  
"Well, I have thought of a few actually. I'm just worried about giving her a name."  
"She has to have a name Jac. I mean, we've already bought a load of stuff so giving her a name isn't going to make any difference is it?"  
"All of the things are just objects; if we give her a name it makes her more real. What if we lose her?"  
"She _is_ real Jac. I understand what you're saying but would you rather we didn't give her a name at all? I think you'd feel worse."  
"I guess."  
"Anyway, I actually meant, what names have you thought of?" He himself had been trying to sleep, although it was pretty much impossible while she kept her bedside lamp on to read so now as she talked to him, he sat up next to her.  
"Well I really love your sister's name."  
"Elsa?"  
"Yeah it's nice."  
"In Scotland it's a shortened version of Elizabeth, my mum's name."  
"Well then it's perfect then, isn't it?"  
"And it follows a kind of tradition. I love it; what about middle names?"  
"You choose something and I'll say whether I like it or not." She shuffled further down into the bed so Jonny could lift his arm around her.  
"How about Grace?"  
"Elsa-Grace... it's perfect." She closed her eyes but was still listening to him.  
"This was not how I expected the names conversation going you know."  
"Did you expect me to shoot down every name you threw at me?"  
"What else?"  
"Sometimes I'm not unreasonable you know." She smiled but kept her eyes closed; she was speaking quietly and he knew she was going to fall asleep any minute. He lifted her up gently so he could fall back down into a comfortable sleeping position. She put one arm around him and snuggled into his back.  
"I think my mum would have loved it."  
"I hope so." Her words were muffled in his shirt and he smiled.  
"Jac?"  
"Mmmhmm?"  
"You do know that I love you?"  
"I know. I love you too."

* * *

"I'm so sorry; there's no heartbeat."  
"No, no, no, no, you're wrong. Just try again!" He tried again just to humour her, but there was no point at all. Their baby was gone. "No!" She cried out desperately and Jonny held her tightly even though she was trying to free herself from his grip. She was hitting out against him and even though he was crying too, he didn't stop holding her tightly until she had calmed down. He took her home after the c-section. She had wanted to hold her for a split second to just look at her daughter; they allowed it but it just made the matter worse when she was taken away from her. It wasn't noise though; it was just silence. The journey home was unbearable; she stared blankly with her bloodshot eyes out of the window. When they got home it became even worse; she went straight into the nursery and sat on the floor next the cot they had purchased a mere week earlier. She didn't cry; she just sat beside it and didn't say a word. Jonny didn't know what to do. He tried talking to her, he brought her food but she didn't touch it. The only thing that she let him do was sit beside her, in complete silence. He thought it would be okay for that evening; but what he didn't bet on was her staying there for the night. Or the whole of the next day. He was clueless as to how he could make her better and it didn't help that he was also grieving.

Eventually though it was too much for her; he found her slumped against the cot, seemingly asleep but when he couldn't wake her it was as though reality had just collapsed in on him. She'd not eaten anything for a long time. It was all he could do to get her to drink a little. His heart beat at triple the normal speed as he lifted her from the ground; he carried her down the stairs and out of the door and placed her carefully in the car. He got into the driver's seat but found himself panicking again; he looked over at her, completely lifeless except her very slow breathing. He began to cry and it was at this moment that Elsa-Grace's death really hit him as he faced losing Jac too. He wiped his eyes quickly and shot off in the direction of Holby.

It wasn't an incredibly difficult case for those at the ED but they knew what the couple were going through and so they understood the panic in Jonny's eyes as he strode into the hospital with her in his arms. The truth was that Jonny saw her in a worse state than she actually was because grief and worry clouded his judgement; to him she was severely emaciated and grey. To the hospital staff she was malnourished but fixable. So they did just that; they fixed her and it took her a night's stay to wake up.  
"Jonny?"  
"I'm here, Jac I'm here. Oh my God I was so worried." She could hear the relief in his voice and she suddenly felt an extreme amount of guilt.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"  
"It's okay, you're okay. Jac, it might not seem like it now, but we're going to get through it. I promise; just please don't do anything so stupid again. I don't know what I'd do if I-"  
"Don't say it." They were both crying quite openly now.

It was the same at the funeral for their little girl. It was a quiet affair with very few of their friends. Jonny, as usual tried to keep himself together for Jac's sake but the coffin was so small it made a lump grow in his throat and eventually it was too much and as he held Jac close to him, he let tears fall from his eyes.

* * *

"Jac, are you awake?"  
"Nope."  
"I've been thinking."  
"There's some paracetamol in the cupboard downstairs if it pains you."  
"Jac, what do you think about adoption?"  
"What?" This had done it. She shot up and flicked on the lamp on her bedside table. She didn't blink as Jonny did, for she was completely awakened by his suggestion.  
"I've been thinking it for a while now; I want a family and I know you do too."  
"I... how do you know?"  
"I've seen the way you are with Daniel and Henry. You were made to do this."  
"Do you think adoption is our best option?"  
"Well, I think our own baby, it's..." He didn't have to finish because he knew they were both thinking about Elsa, "and IVF well it's all a bit messy and we can't guarantee anything."  
"Do you think you could do it?"  
"We wouldn't have to adopt them as a baby. Unless that's what you wanted." He had read her mind; even though a year and a half had passed, it was all still fresh in her mind as though it was yesterday and she wasn't sure about bringing a baby into their home because to her, they would just feel like a replacement. If they did decide to go through with the adoption, that wasn't what she wanted.  
"I don't know; since Elsa I've known I wanted something." It was painful to say her daughter's name but she had to say it because if she just referred to her as 'she' or 'the baby', she was scared that she would forget her, although she did know too deep down that that would be impossible.  
"Me too. It's like, there's a part of me missing." They were speaking in clichés but neither seemed to notice.  
"But I don't want to replace her. I don't want another baby to fill the gap that Elsa should have filled."  
"I don't think it would; I've thought about it so much and I think that it's something that could do us both good. I think it would help."  
"I do want a family."  
"Me too."  
"You know they don't usually let you adopt unless you're married?"  
"Is that a proposal?"  
"It might be."  
"You're not on one knee and I don't see a diamond ring."  
"Maybe tomorrow; goodnight Jonny."  
"I Love you."  
"Love you too."

* * *

It was every little girl's dream to have a big white wedding; well, every little girl minus Jac Naylor. All Jac wanted was a wedding; she wanted a marriage to the most perfect man who would take care of her so that she would never have to worry again. It took her quite a few years of believing this would never happen for her to find Jonathan Maconie, the person who stood waiting for her at the front. She was walked down the isle by Sacha, while Mo was playing the role of both bridesmaid and 'best woman'. In a castle somewhere remote in Scotland, Jac and Jonny were about to say their 'I dos'. Their guests were few and select; the majority were hospital staff because neither had much family to speak of; between them Jonny had a sister and a nephew and Jac had Sacha. Jonny of course had friends who were invited but once all the guests had arrived; the venue wasn't filled to the brim and instead it was special and private. Jonny insisted on wearing a kilt but Jac managed to stop the madness there and the rest of the men were in normal suits. Sacha had of course rented a tux. It wasn't a conventional wedding because firstly their ulterior motive was that they were doing this most importantly to adopt a little boy who was due in less than two month's time. In the end they had decided to adopt from birth; Jac couldn't imagine having a child and not witnessing their first word or first steps so they visited several agencies and eventually their wish was granted, as long as they were married by the time the baby was born. They decided they wanted to find out the sex so they could prepare the nursery that had been left untouched and deserted as though in respect of their daughter who didn't make it there. For some reason they were relieved when the baby wasn't a girl; all Jac thought was that she would treat her as Elsa's replacement.

The wedding was quickly organised; it took them less around five moths to do everything including finding the venue, the dress, the music. However, it wasn't until the day that Jac really took a step back and looked at what she was about to do. Walking down the isle towards him should have been the most important thing going on in her head right now but she knew that for both of them it was only organised so that the adoption of the baby boy would be easier. But now, both of them seemed to have a little moment of realisation; they had both wanted this for so long and now that it was happening it felt completely surreal. They both wanted to be with the other and they were beginning to realise that what happened now felt right and it was more than just about the adoption. She reached him finally and he took her hand. He whispered into her ear that she looked beautiful and he choked on his words a little and she worried that he would start crying, not because it would be embarrassing, but because she would start too. Unfortunately, it seemed her make-up was far to perfect to be left like that and halfway through his vows, Jonny indeed did start to cry a little. They heard their guests 'awwing' making them laugh before continuing with the most important speeches in their lives.  
"You may now kiss the bride."  
"Don't mind if I do." She smirked and he kissed her and the venue erupted in cheers and applause; while they were only a small bunch, they certainly made enough racket.

When the tiny boy arrived, the couple knew they had made the right decision. They waited until he was born to give him a name and in the end, after yet another easy name conversation, James Douglas Maconie was chosen and written on the birth certificate. It was as though a gaping hole had been filled in their lives and they really were the perfect little family. While Elsa wasn't forgotten about, it was easier for Jac to deal with the death of her first child now that James was in her life. The same could be said for Jonny.

* * *

"Jac we're off to the Church, are you sure you don't want to come?"  
"No thanks, I'm just going to finish this paper."  
"Jac, you can't catch religion."  
"I know and you'll light one for me anyway." He hated leaving her but it was tradition that every year on Elsa's birthday Mo would take both Jonny and James to the Church to light a candle for Elsa. It was also tradition that Jac would fail to go. There was always something else for her to do; something that would distract her from the day. She couldn't understand how lighting a candle and going to a Church could make it better; she instead chose to sit in front of her grave crying a little and talking to her as though she were right beside her. She told her what a great sister she would have been and how James loves her despite never meeting her.  
"And look, he drew you a picture." On Elsa's fifth birthday she placed down a scrap of paper that apparently had a picture of him and his sister on but to anyone else would have been a few lines. It wasn't until James could understand a little where they were going and why they were doing it that he questioned his mum. He was six and Mo and Sacha, the newlyweds, had come to pick them up as was their tradition.  
"Mummy, I think you should come too."  
"Not this time chicken."  
"Why not?"  
"I've got some work to do here."  
"I like the candles. They're bright so that the babies in heaven can see them." Jac couldn't help but smile at how completely and utterly innocent his sentence was; but as well as that, she couldn't quite understand the overwhelming sadness that engulfed her now.  
"Well go on then, mummy will see you later." She kissed him on the forehead and zipped his coat up. For a moment Jonny had thought she might change her mind, but no. She waved them off as they drove to the Church that was a little while away.

She decided to walk; it wouldn't take her long. They only took the car because James wouldn't want to walk that far. She picked up the pace a little as it began to snow and she pulled the hood of her black raincoat over her head to protect her from the ice-cold flakes. It wasn't until she reached the Church that she stopped. She stood out side and wondered why she found the old building so intimidating to her. The snowfall became heavier still and so she had no other option but to take shelter in the Church. Her converse squeaked on the floor and so signalled her arrival. The few people in the reception area turned to face her and immediately she reddened but they just smiled at her and nodded towards the inside where she could see flickering lights and a few more people. The one person who stood out to her though was James. He stood beside Jonny and waited for the group of people in front of them to finish lighting a candle for their lost relative or friend. When they had finished, her little boy looked up to them and smiled before they ruffled his hair and left them to it. They must have known them from previous visits. The people passed her as she made her way to where her family stood; they smiled and she smiled back. She was beginning to see why Jonny's tradition was better than her own; people understood what you had gone through and you weren't alone. She couldn't quite believe that she had never even given it a go before now. Elsa would have been eight years old today. Jac had waited eight years to do this and support Jonny and as she thought this she felt a little guilty. But then she saw them standing by the candles and instead of feeling guilty she felt happy that he had other people there and she was now realising just how stupid she had been to live this day the way she had done. Her converse had dried themselves on the carpet and so as she walked towards them now, she was silent. She had managed to get right behind them before they noticed her; she took hold of Jonny's hand and he jumped a little in shock. He spun around to see who it was and the smile on his face as he saw her warmed her heart; he had been waiting for her.  
"Mummy!"  
"Hey baby!" She scooped him up. "I think we should light a candle together, yeah? I need you to show me how to do it." She guided and held the candle with him while Jonny, Sacha and Mo just watched.  
"Happy birthday Elsa." James whispered as the candle suddenly lit.


End file.
